Does Sexuality Change Throughout One's Life?
Updated: Oct 22, 2022
Sexuality is a fascinating topic in general, and can be beneficial to look at, especially if you have a few years under your belt and you can start to perceive patterns in your sexual life throughout the years.
My experiences are with female (though fluid) sexuality, so that's where I'll be coming from, and I have seen almost a 180 degree change from my teenage and early twenties to the present day. We're talking about a little over 45 years, so I suppose you could expect something to change, but I had never thought about it before recently, when I really took a deep dive into all aspects of myself, and sexuality was definitely part of that exploration.
I also just saw the ever-awesome Drew Barrymore talking about her celibacy (since 2016) and that she did not feel a need for sex in her life. I loved that she would put that out there and I would definitely love to add to the discussion. I have plenty of experience with celibacy and no one talks about it, including myself.
I've been celibate for over five years at two different junctures in my life and am on a third celibate streak at present, at well over a year in.
The first period was in 2001, after a relationship heartbreak and the weirdest move I've ever made, going from Tucson, Arizona to Naples, Florida, and then fleeing to Southern California after a most horrible ten days in Florida.
Somehow just working on my spirituality and my healing work once back in California was more than enough to fill my days and nights. Even when I entered into a romantic long-distance relationship in 2003, there was never any sexual contact, because he was in prison. Contrary to popular TV movies, most inmates do not get conjugal visits, at least not the ones in super-max prisons.
It wasn't until very late in 2008 that I got together with my last "real" boyfriend and had sex again after over seven years and it was no big deal whatsoever. It also served for my next and even longer celibacy period, which started in 2011 and went until 2021.
For most of this latter period, I was really into simply relating with men and women on a purely platonic level, canceling sex out of the equation in every interaction, and I found it so relaxing and enjoyable to simply relate with people, without any sexual ideas about anyone I encountered.
It was a highly beneficial exercise for me, as I had always related with people with too much emphasis on whether I wanted to fuck them or not.
For the first time in years, I took that off the table and just met people in my truth, without any sexual overtones. It was one of the greatest gifts I have ever given myself and it was a radical shift to a much more elevated way to interact with my fellow humans.
I have also reevaluated my own expression of sexuality, after going out again and having mostly disastrous dating experiences in 2020-2021, when I chose to see what was out there. I could now clearly see that I really didn't like sex very much anymore, but I still liked intimacy with someone I felt attracted to, which could still happen, but the situations I was creating were simply sending out the wrong signals from what I was feeling inside.
I can classify myself has somewhere in the grey-sexual categories, still fluid, but mostly grooving with celibacy, mostly because I am very happy with my ever-evolving relationship with all-that-is-me, and living with a cat who is a way cool friend and roommate.
It is what it is, and I am blessed to the max.
I say grey-sexual simply because my sex drive is actually very low, and can be non-existent, but if I am actually into someone as a potential intimate partner, I would be getting physical on occasion, but mostly I would want lots of physical affection that is non-sexual in nature, except for kissing of course, which can easily lead to sex for most adults, including me.
I would only want to be in a relationship at this stage of my life, with someone who is very similar in orientation. I'm fluid as fuck, which is why I say "people" because its an energetic and emotional connection for me with another heart-centered being that would be meaningful, and gender is not very important at all.
I can see with clarity now, that in my youth, I did not like sex as much as I pretended to like sex. It's such a huge difference. I pretended because all of my partners expected me to be really into fucking them, and I hate to disappoint sexually, so more than times than I can count, I was performing sexual acts for the benefit of my lovers.
This is not to say that back in the day, I did not really enjoy sex at times, because I definitely did, but it was more rare than I ever wanted to admit to myself. I loved thinking of myself as a free-spirited, sexual being and what I really was, was an amazing actress.
I was achingly unaware of my real feelings about sex, and never would have thought to explore them while I was in relationships, which I was until I went to prison in December, 1995. It wasn't until after that, when I might have looked at this in more depth, yet I was still being biologically influenced, being in my thirties, and I wanted a partner of some kind.
Never again would I experience a relationship of the sort I had really enjoyed prior to late 1995, so now I would say, that this was my season for such relationships, and my planets in those houses, moved on to other things.
Yet, I was so fortunate, because once this celibate phase of my life settled in, I was comfortable for maybe the first time with who I was and how that felt. What I really wanted and what I did not finally started becoming clear and obvious.
That was probably around the same time as perimenopause really kicked in and I was more than happy I was single and uninterested in any physical relationship - until one caught me by surprise, but it didn't last that long either.
During any radically honest discussion about celibacy, masturbation must enter the conversation. Having a low sex drive means that during long celibacy periods, I don't even have a need to masturbate that often. There is no urge.
I have experienced however, vaginal orgasms in my sleep that I have never had when I was awake myself or with any partner. It's kind of bizarre, but cool when I experience this, and it is always completely spontaneous, coming from deep within, nothing I can replicate on my own.
When there is a feeling to masturbate, I think it's wonderful, and self-intimate and efficient. I have fun and am relaxed and still learning new things about my body and different things it responds to now than it did when I was younger.
It is an ongoing journey of yet another facet of human self-exploration.
Upward and onward!
I also am aware that over the years of not needing a partner or sex to live and thrive in my life, I have become (probably) overly picky and am also not interested in going out of my way, nor settling on any level. No more dating apps for this Queen.
The universe seems to be in agreement that if there is another relationship destined for me in this lifetime, it will have to pretty much drop into my lap.
What about you? Have you ever thought about how your feelings have expanded or shifted since your sexual journey began in life?
I think we all need to take a good look, in an open and honest way that allows everything in, and make choices that feel the very best for us, and it is certainly vital we do so to express ourselves in our sexual lives in a way that allows us to be seen and heard.